Aftermath!

Wouldn't you think that after a crisis is over, the "bleeding has stopped," and everyone has lived to tell about it, that you would have a tremendous sense of relief, even euphoria? Sounds about right to me! As it turns out that isn't always the case, at least not in my experience, and I think many of you will find this to be true as well! Maybe this post will help you to not feel guilty (or crazy) about having a bout of depression, anxiety, or fear after you have succeeded in making it through a major crisis. I want to say that this isn't something that happens only to those of us that are bipolar or predisposed to depression and or anxiety; it can happen to folks who are as healthy as a horse mentally! Also note that the life event doesn't have to be a near death experience, either. It can come after the ending of an unhealthy marriage, a life career change, after selling or buying a house, moving to another country or just across town, and even after finishing final exams. It can also happen after wonderful life events like a wedding, graduation, a promotion, and having or adopting a new baby! I've heard it said that almost everything in life, both good and bad, can cause stress and unfortunately, the body doesn't make a physiological distinction between "good" or "bad" stress. At any rate, once the stress causing event is over and done with I have found myself dealing with its consequences, or as I am calling it here, its aftermath. Sound familiar?   

www.hopetocope.com/Item.aspx/870/navigating-change
This is a good article--I think it supports some of the self-diagnosis I am presenting here.
If you remember from my last post, my husband was hospitalized for an aortic aneurysm and 3 clogged arteries from his bypass surgery in 2007. We were in the hospital for 21 days, 18 of those days in CVICU. The difficulty wasn't the surgery; it was the inability to remove the vent. Each time they tried, his numbers would crash and then we were back to square one. Long story short, he got off the vent and was able to come home 3 days later. 

"YEAH!!! We're going home!!!"
But wait a minute, I thought--"NO, Not yet, I'm terrified."

I thought to myself, "couldn't they just keep him a while longer? I'm not ready for the journey of recovery, not just yet." In the hospital there was always someone there to get him up to pee without falling, checking his sugars, blood pressure and cooking for him! My schedule was set by the waiting room. I'd wake up, climb off my blow up mattress, make for the coffee pot, go back to drink my coffee with Hartley ( he didn't know it) and to see if there were any changes made in the oxygen levels overnight. Second cup, I checked Face Book and let the sleep wear off, touch base with the other families that were waiting on news of changes in their loved ones over night, straighten up "my" area and wait for Emily to bring Emma Rose to me. Routine ruled my day and that was perfect for someone like me who has a really hard time sticking to any type of routine! The bipolar creature is always looming nearby, trying to lure me away from the schedule that helps me become more and more physically and mentally healthy!
So why you ask was it so hard to go home? And what kinds of emotions and symptoms did I experience? Several of the things I experienced were: fear of not being able to nurse Hartley adequately, anxiety over any little movement or groan that might signal something was wrong, the fear that I wouldn't be able to keep him from smoking again after being away from his pipes for a month, fear that I couldn't make him appreciate the life he had been given back. How was I supposed to keep him from going out for a 1,200 calorie greasy hamburger meal complete with french fries and a large Dr. Pepper! All of these things were out of my control, a control that I never had in the first place! The need to control  made me think that if things didn't go a certain way it was somehow my fault! And I felt totally out of control! It was so aggravating! I know that control is never something we have over someone else; control is something we have over some parts of our own lives, and I HATE that! Again, the bipolar creature lurking in my mind tries to convince me otherwise, that because I am so powerful, persuasive and almighty, surely I can be in control! After all, it's not like making time stand still or anything! 

Grandiosity is one of  the tricks of bipolar disorder. Beware if you see this trick trying to control your life! The emotions I experienced immediately after coming home from the hospital went something like this, tears, tears and more tears (for no apparent reason),shaking hands, jumping at any little noise, not sleeping through the night,( it was a lot like having a new baby in the house and with every groan or shuffle I would be awake, saying "honey are you alright, is there anything I can get you?" I even put a bell by his chair, but he never used it!
I spied on him to see if he was sneaking out for a puff on his pipe (we thought we had hidden all of them but apparently we missed one or two). Then there was mail, I have a phobia of paper, especially envelopes, I know they can only contain some kind of bad news. Bills send me over the edge, and they were piling up by the day. When we did have to open them to apply for Medicaid, the total was way over $300,000.00 and there were more bills to come. Maybe that's why I have a phobia of letters and bills! Many days I would take my meds out of sequence just to stop my hands from shaking uncontrollably ( I did tell my Dr. and counselor about this). Depression showed up in the form of being stuck in front of the television playing word games for hours and hours, keeping me from doing the things that were necessary for daily life, like bathing, brushing my teeth, doing my hair, and changing the clothes I had been in for many days.
You can see how anxiety, fear and depression could possibly befall you after a major event. All the build up to a huge and wonderful wedding, the long days and nights studying for final exams leading to graduation (or not), a crisis of health and recovery, all these and more can turn you on your head when the stress bubble bursts and all of a sudden, you are in a place where a new routine has to be put in place, a routine that is critical for your mental health.
These are some of the things I have done now, after an emergency visit to my counselor, to help me prevent falling into a deeper pit of depression now that our "bleeding" has stopped. I moved my writing space outside to the front porch, I started making lists again and marking off items as they were completed, I began planning my day in blocks of time (right now for example, I have been writing for 1 hour and 51 minutes and I have 9 minutes left to write). I may have to finish this tomorrow! Cleaning, writing, correspondence, cooking, playing word games, shopping, and work are all blocked off in order to create and maintain a workable and healthy routine. I do make room for interruptions that naturally occur during a day's time. Sometimes the whole plan has to be thrown out the window! This plan isn't designed to be a straight jacket; it is only to provide a framework for a consistent, healthy routine. This may sound a little obsessive to some, but it works for me and keeps that evil creature at bay that hangs around trying to keep me from being a whole, healthy human being! Whoops, time's up, time to clean the kitchen!

Mental health note: If you find yourself in a situation similar to this and you are showing signs of depression and or anxiety lasting longer than a few days or over a week, please seek medical attention! These feelings can wreck your life if not treated properly. Tell your doctor!


Peace, till we visit again!
Remember, life is always an adventure with surprises, good and bad, around each corner. Be prepared and you will not only survive but you will thrive!

Tell me about events in your life that may have ended in a place of anxiety, depression or fear when you were past it! I would love to hear from you anytime!