The Waiting Room

21 days in hospital waiting rooms can bring out the best and worse in anyone. I'd like to share with you some of my "adventures" in the St. Vincent CVICU waiting room.
We entered the hospital July 7th (I think) I slept on a fold out chair the first 2 nights. The surgery lasted about 7 1/2 hours. Most of  my first day in the waiting room consisted of hugging myself, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket my friend had lent to me and crying. Aortic Aneurysm and 3 blocked arteries kept my head bowed in prayer and emotional exhaustion. Every time the door to the waiting room opened or the phone there rang I jumped. I realize there are much more complicated and much longer surgeries than we went through but this was My Husband and time only inched by. Out of surgery and into CVICU we were allowed to go in for only a few minutes. Tubes everywhere, beeping sounds echoing off the walls, nurses scrambling to get stuff done. I stood dumbstruck even though we had been through this once before. You never get used to seeing your loved one with all the medical bells and whistles! The second day they tried to remove the vent, and after 3 hours all his numbers crashed and they had to reintubate. That led to 10 or so days on the vent. That's where my waiting room adventures began.
My son brought me an air mattress and pumped it up for me. I circled my "temporary home space" with chairs and a coffee table. Do you remember playing house under a tree using the roots sticking out as walls for your rooms? That's what I did! I created my space! Bags of clothes and toiletries, snack bags friends had brought, an outlet for my laptop and phone charger, books, pens and paper. Last but not least my photo of my daughter and her family. My son didn't have a photo handy or he would have been there as well.
Something happens in an ICU waiting room. Spirituality that you may have thought was a thing of the past oozes to the surface. You are alone most of the time so you start looking around at others in the same sort of situations, some much worse than others, but none of them good or they wouldn't be in ICU.
I began to make my moves into these peoples lives, and situations. It isn't hard. Just say "hello, who are you here with?" and it all comes spilling out.
One couple I was drawn to in the waiting room had had a huge bunch of family earlier. I didn't want to intrude on that. So I waited until they had filtered out. I went over and said my line"hello, who are you here with" "my son, answered a man about my age, "he hung himself" the words almost vomited out of him. "Oh Jesus what do I say now?" All I could think of to do was stick my arms out in his face to show my scars and said"I understand." We talked about 2 hours. I told them I was bipolar and had had some pretty bad episodes. Come to find out the father had just been diagnosed as bipolar and had a ton of questions about the things I had experienced. His son had had long, long battles with drug addiction and mental illness, but refused to take his MEDs because they made him feel funny. We wept, prayed, and embraced before they went back for visiting hours. Later their son was moved to the psych unit and I didn't see them again. I think of them this night while I am safe at home with a recovering husband.
The African Americans tended to stay at one end of the waiting room and the Caucasians at the other. This just wouldn't do for me. One day around lunch time a black family was eating at the break room table when I mentioned how good that the food looked. (Biggest downfall at St. Vincent's was the food quality and the exorbitant prices) They gathered me up to the table and fixed me a plate and the conversation flowed like warm honey. I learned all about the Auntie and her condition while they asked about my husband and his condition. Miss Diane wrapped her arms around me every chance she got after that lunchtime encounter! I loved it.
One morning, cleaning myself up in the bathroom, I met my new friend Antoinette. She smiled at me and I fell in love with this young black woman. She told me she had ridden a bus from Virginia to be with her"Momma" grandmother. Antoinette turned 24 in the ICU waiting room while she sat and waited her turn to go feed"Momma"and sit with her for a while. We gave her a makeshift Birthday party with cupcakes and candles! The whole waiting room gang sang Happy Birthday to her! We spent a good bit of time together, talking about what her life was about and what her future held. She always greeted me with a big hug and a kiss when I had been away for a couple of hours. When her mom left to go back to work she put me in charge of watching over her girls. I got a call yesterday from Antoinette and she said her "Momma" had passed. I so wanted to hold her and let her know everything would be alright. Antoinette wants to be a chef and I am pulling for her. I know we will stay in touch just from that time in the waiting room.
Then I met Doris. I had seen her go in and out of ICU a number of times. But she stayed in the room with her husband most of the time. Tom, her husband, was conscious and able to talk, unlike mine. One night as I was coming in from dinner and she was leaving to catch a bite, we stopped and acknowledged having seen one another. She quickly told me her story. I couldn't help myself when she said that they had been in the ICU for over 5 weeks, I embraced her as if I had known her for years. I wasn't too sure how that was going to sit with her. She seemed very prim and proper and I thought I had really stepped over my bounds. Tom had had multiple surgeries and he was very critical. But Doris was a praying woman and trusted God to bring him through. That night I couldn't sleep, 10 passed 11 passed 12 and then Doris rushed through the door and plopped into my little space and sobbed. I scrambled up from my mattress (not easy for a woman of my age and size) and made for her side. I wrapped my arms around her and began to pray. Soon she was able to get out a complete sentence and said that"Tom had taken a critical turn and they had no idea what was happening" We stayed up till about 2am talking, getting to know each other, praying some more, all the while I stroked her arm and patted her back. I was afraid I was violating her personal space (this was a stranger after all) when she turned to me and said" you are just like my best friend Bettie" "she is always touching and patting just like you are doing." I met Bettie the next day and I watched her love on her best friend, patting and stroking her arm, praying. Doris needed someone to be there and I guess God just kept me awake. Unfortunately, Tom passed 3 days later. I will never forget Doris and how I fell in love with another stranger in ICU. We exchanged information the day Tom passed and then she was gone from the waiting room, but not from my heart and soul. I was so sad. I missed her every day that I remained there.
My momma taught me well not to judge a book by its cover. There was a young woman that I had noticed and we had said hello and exchanged a little information about our loved ones in the ICU. From the outside one might think she was a little rough. Dark glasses, baseball hat turned backwards, T-shirts with language that could put some people off. But still I wanted in. I wanted to know her. However, I didn't get the chance to do that. One day she had gone down to have a smoke and her husband and father of a precious 5 year old, died. One moment he was from all appearances fine and the next moment gone. Life is so friggin fragile.
When you spend a long time in ICU waiting rooms the losses are so painfully  bound to happen.
My husband finally got off the vent and I moved my little nest into his room so we could be together again. I didn't know what a toll the waiting room had taken on me until I sat quietly apart from it. I began to tremble and weep letting out all the pain I had been carrying for some many people. You know a gift (like compassion and empathy) can become a curse if you are not careful. I slept while Hartley slept and we would visit a little ( it was hard for him to talk after being on the vent for so many days) and we would hold hands. I was so glad when he was off the feeding tube and we could have coffee together once again.
CVICU opened my heart and soul in a way that I had not experienced for some time. It is a curse and a blessing to be in that situation. If you find yourself there, just say "Hello, who are you here with?" and if you are open, you are in for an adventure!
Peace, till we visit again, when I introduce you to Sister Mary Francis!and another special moment that happened in the CVICU.

P.S. If you have had experiences in an ICU waiting room feel free to share them with me in the comment section. Peace.
     

Momma T.

Genteel, in the very best sense of the word, is how I describe this grace filled beautiful woman.
Surrounded by acres and acres of grassland and herds of cattle. Her white hair, blown by the hot Texas wind, whips around her face like cirrus clouds. A sparkle in her clear blue eyes invites you into her home and into her life.
Special? Doesn't touch the essence of this woman I call, "Momma T".
Our first meeting a connection was made that turned me into family. Then one by one she added the rest of us into her clan. Having afternoon rendezvous with my man.
Years have passed and time is growing short for my precious "Momma T".
Our last visit was our last visit.
Skin so thin every vain glowed through, like multiple rivers of life.
Hair sand white and fine as a spider's thread.
Asking about everything her breath would allow,
we filled in answers while she caught her breath that soon would be her last.
I couldn't keep my hands off her cool skin.
Just one more touch.
One more moment.
Only one more question.
She's tired,
it was time for us to go.
Just one more kiss.
One more hug.
One more good bye.
We wished her a safe passing
and said our last goodbye.

Our dear friend made her journey home today July14,2013.
She is rejoicing with her God and reunited with the love of her life.
A life lived like hers needs many tributes. This is mine.
Peace, till we visit again. Remember, this journey we call death is an adventure unto it's own.

 

Ludys Adventures

I've been playing around with a little book for my grand daughter. If you don't mind take a look at a very early draft and let me know what you think! This is just another adventure that has been waiting for me. Peace!

 

 

Ludy's Adventure( working on title)

 

 

Sounds of vroom, vroom,vroom, swish slosh, swish slosh, ka choon, ka choon, vroom swish slosh ka choon all accompanied by background music, gushed into Ludy’s room!

*“Seriously, I can’t hear myself think! Where is all this racket coming from? It sounds like a freight train running through my house!” Ludy thought as she tried to play a game on her new Nintendo.

*Ludy finally got fed up and bounded down the stairs to see what all the commotion was.

*The wild noises Ludy heard were coming from the vacuum cleaner, washing machine and dishwasher all running at the same time and Momma listening to some crazy music on Pandora.

*Momma was doing some major spring cleaning! But why now it was midsummer not spring? Then it popped into Ludy’s mind what all the fuss was about; company was coming for dinner from papa’s work. Important company! Ludy now understood why her Momma was a little on the frazzled side.

* Ludy thought, "I desperately need to go out to ‘Violet House’ because this house is driving me crazy, like a fly zooming all around in my head!!! I can't hear myself think much less play my game!”

*Ludy had no idea what was in store for her later that day when she slipped out the sliding back door and headed to the thick woods in their backyard.

*Shrub trees made a thick wall that helped to shut out the rest of the world. “Peace at last” Ludy thought as she entered her special hideaway. She named it “Violet House” because there were millions of wood violets growing around there.

*Inside the shrub tree wall stood a magnificent ancient oak tree. It had giant gnarly roots pushing up through the ground around it's base.They looked like huge octopus tentacles rising up from the deep ocean waters.

*Ludy always felt like there was something extra special about this place, it had a magical kind of feeling that was really hard to explain.

*She had built her playhouse in between the big roots that seemed to separate and form rooms. Looking around Ludy surmised  “this is a place even Oak Fairies would be proud to live.”

*Ludy could play there for hours totally unaware of the goings on in the outside world.

*Today she was making a rug out of leaves, but they wouldn’t stay put because the wind was making it’s way in through the shrub wall. Not giving up, Ludy continued putting the leaves back in place, even though it was beginning to get a little frustrating chasing the leaves all around!

*Violet House, was an extraordinarily special place. It was a place Ludy could go when she needed to think or to just be alone. Sometimes her friends' came there to play and her Momma would make special lunches with apples, peanut butter and extra special good cheese, from the cheese store down the street. The people that owned it always gave Ludy scrumptious samples! Ludy liked the white cheese with the blue green mold in it best of all. Ludy’s Momma would make “healthy water” that had all kinds of fruit and stuff soaking in it, and then put it in a thermos for them to drink. She explained that it would keep them hydrated. Whatever that meant.(note: put recipe for water in back of book.)

*Earlier that day her momma had given her a faded out, old, blue camping blanket they didn't use anymore. Ludy

already had a collection of old ceramic cups, tin camping plates,and some odds and ends forks, spoons and very, very dull knives. Ludy's favorite thing her Momma had given her was an old green vase shaped like a bunch of bluebonnets. Ludy’s Oma had given it to her Momma when she lived in Texas.That made it even more special to Ludy, because she loved her Oma very much.  The vase had a chip on one of the blooms but that didn’t matter, it was still very beautiful.

*Ludy loved all kinds of flowers and her vase was always full of something from the woods or their yard, her Momma would even buy flowers for her sometime, if they were on sale. Today it had dandelion blooms in it but she didn’t know who put them there.

*Because of the wind getting stronger, Ludy’s new blanket wouldn't stay on the branch she had put it on to make a wall. Her stick furniture kept moving to different parts of the room! Wind was fun sometimes and it made great music when it passed through the leaves in the big tree above her. This wind however was interrupting her play time.

*Ludy was getting tired but she wanted to stay in Violet House a while longer. So, she took the blanket from the limb and folded it over to make a sleeping bag. Ludy curled up inside and soon was fast asleep.

Rosemary Theobalt Wootton 7/3/13

*“Leafy”, an oak fairy, fluttered to the top of a deep hole in the back of the giant oak tree. “Oh my! Leafy said quietly.”the human child is asleep and there is a storm coming fast!” Leafy called for the other fairies with her whistle, that only the fairies could hear, kind of like a dog whistle. Viola, Barky, and Dandy Lion, came immediately to see what was going on. The fairies didn’t come to the surface very often during daylight hours. It wasn’t safe for them especially when the birds and cats were around, they didn’t want to end up being someone’s lunch! Barky said, “let’s get out of here it’s not our problem!” Viola responded back “ Barky, that is a horrible thing to say! We are good fairies, and it’s our job to help when we are needed!” Leafy chimed in “We must do something to help!” So the fairies tried sitting on Ludy’s sleeping bag to hold it down in the gusting wind but they were being blown all around. Suddenly, sand started blowing in with the wind and the fairies had an enormous decision to make! “We could use the fairy dust that makes things smaller" said Viola hesitantly, " but we only have a tiny bit and I don’t know if we can get anymore?” Finally,they all decided it was for the best to take Ludy into their underground world,where no human child had gone before! * Sprinkling her with the nearly extinct fairy dust, Ludy was made to fit into their world.Together they all went spiraling, down,down, down, carrying a sleeping Ludy, into the hole that led to Oakland, home of the great Oak Fairy. *The storm up above grew stronger and stronger until you couldn’t see Ludy’s house from the grove of trees. Gratefully, Ludy was safe and sound below ground level with a troop of fairies. Ludy slowly woke up from the effects of the fairy dust to find herself surrounded by bright colorful flickering lights and the slight whispering sounds of flapping fairy wings. “Wh,wh,wh, where am I?” Ludy asked, a little afraid to hear the answer. “You are safe my little friend “ answered Leafy. “We brought you here to keep you safe from the storm roaring above us.”Who, who, who are you?” Ludy stammered. “ We are the ancient guardians to the opening of Oakland, found at the base of the Grand Oak.” replied Dandy Lion. Let us introduce ourselves as Leafy pointed to Viola, “Hello, I’m Viola and I am very shy. I have a special gift of becoming invisible when it is necessary, and I love purple” Leafy directed her gaze toward Dandy Lion “ Hi! I’m Dandy Lion, I am not shy I’m funny, my gift is making others sneeze when I want them to. You can just call me Dandy!” They all turned to look at Leafy, “Hello, child. My name is Leafy and I am the granddaughter of the Great Oak ________ I am the leader of all the fairy clans, my gifts are varied, I can hear what others are thinking when it involves someone’s safety, I can see into the future but only when it is for protection of my clans, I also can call down mountains of leaves at a moments notice! I love green and have been accused of excessive mothering. Now tell us about you!
Rosemary Theobalt Wootton 7/6/13