Aftermath!

Wouldn't you think that after a crisis is over, the "bleeding has stopped," and everyone has lived to tell about it, that you would have a tremendous sense of relief, even euphoria? Sounds about right to me! As it turns out that isn't always the case, at least not in my experience, and I think many of you will find this to be true as well! Maybe this post will help you to not feel guilty (or crazy) about having a bout of depression, anxiety, or fear after you have succeeded in making it through a major crisis. I want to say that this isn't something that happens only to those of us that are bipolar or predisposed to depression and or anxiety; it can happen to folks who are as healthy as a horse mentally! Also note that the life event doesn't have to be a near death experience, either. It can come after the ending of an unhealthy marriage, a life career change, after selling or buying a house, moving to another country or just across town, and even after finishing final exams. It can also happen after wonderful life events like a wedding, graduation, a promotion, and having or adopting a new baby! I've heard it said that almost everything in life, both good and bad, can cause stress and unfortunately, the body doesn't make a physiological distinction between "good" or "bad" stress. At any rate, once the stress causing event is over and done with I have found myself dealing with its consequences, or as I am calling it here, its aftermath. Sound familiar?   

www.hopetocope.com/Item.aspx/870/navigating-change
This is a good article--I think it supports some of the self-diagnosis I am presenting here.
If you remember from my last post, my husband was hospitalized for an aortic aneurysm and 3 clogged arteries from his bypass surgery in 2007. We were in the hospital for 21 days, 18 of those days in CVICU. The difficulty wasn't the surgery; it was the inability to remove the vent. Each time they tried, his numbers would crash and then we were back to square one. Long story short, he got off the vent and was able to come home 3 days later. 

"YEAH!!! We're going home!!!"
But wait a minute, I thought--"NO, Not yet, I'm terrified."

I thought to myself, "couldn't they just keep him a while longer? I'm not ready for the journey of recovery, not just yet." In the hospital there was always someone there to get him up to pee without falling, checking his sugars, blood pressure and cooking for him! My schedule was set by the waiting room. I'd wake up, climb off my blow up mattress, make for the coffee pot, go back to drink my coffee with Hartley ( he didn't know it) and to see if there were any changes made in the oxygen levels overnight. Second cup, I checked Face Book and let the sleep wear off, touch base with the other families that were waiting on news of changes in their loved ones over night, straighten up "my" area and wait for Emily to bring Emma Rose to me. Routine ruled my day and that was perfect for someone like me who has a really hard time sticking to any type of routine! The bipolar creature is always looming nearby, trying to lure me away from the schedule that helps me become more and more physically and mentally healthy!
So why you ask was it so hard to go home? And what kinds of emotions and symptoms did I experience? Several of the things I experienced were: fear of not being able to nurse Hartley adequately, anxiety over any little movement or groan that might signal something was wrong, the fear that I wouldn't be able to keep him from smoking again after being away from his pipes for a month, fear that I couldn't make him appreciate the life he had been given back. How was I supposed to keep him from going out for a 1,200 calorie greasy hamburger meal complete with french fries and a large Dr. Pepper! All of these things were out of my control, a control that I never had in the first place! The need to control  made me think that if things didn't go a certain way it was somehow my fault! And I felt totally out of control! It was so aggravating! I know that control is never something we have over someone else; control is something we have over some parts of our own lives, and I HATE that! Again, the bipolar creature lurking in my mind tries to convince me otherwise, that because I am so powerful, persuasive and almighty, surely I can be in control! After all, it's not like making time stand still or anything! 

Grandiosity is one of  the tricks of bipolar disorder. Beware if you see this trick trying to control your life! The emotions I experienced immediately after coming home from the hospital went something like this, tears, tears and more tears (for no apparent reason),shaking hands, jumping at any little noise, not sleeping through the night,( it was a lot like having a new baby in the house and with every groan or shuffle I would be awake, saying "honey are you alright, is there anything I can get you?" I even put a bell by his chair, but he never used it!
I spied on him to see if he was sneaking out for a puff on his pipe (we thought we had hidden all of them but apparently we missed one or two). Then there was mail, I have a phobia of paper, especially envelopes, I know they can only contain some kind of bad news. Bills send me over the edge, and they were piling up by the day. When we did have to open them to apply for Medicaid, the total was way over $300,000.00 and there were more bills to come. Maybe that's why I have a phobia of letters and bills! Many days I would take my meds out of sequence just to stop my hands from shaking uncontrollably ( I did tell my Dr. and counselor about this). Depression showed up in the form of being stuck in front of the television playing word games for hours and hours, keeping me from doing the things that were necessary for daily life, like bathing, brushing my teeth, doing my hair, and changing the clothes I had been in for many days.
You can see how anxiety, fear and depression could possibly befall you after a major event. All the build up to a huge and wonderful wedding, the long days and nights studying for final exams leading to graduation (or not), a crisis of health and recovery, all these and more can turn you on your head when the stress bubble bursts and all of a sudden, you are in a place where a new routine has to be put in place, a routine that is critical for your mental health.
These are some of the things I have done now, after an emergency visit to my counselor, to help me prevent falling into a deeper pit of depression now that our "bleeding" has stopped. I moved my writing space outside to the front porch, I started making lists again and marking off items as they were completed, I began planning my day in blocks of time (right now for example, I have been writing for 1 hour and 51 minutes and I have 9 minutes left to write). I may have to finish this tomorrow! Cleaning, writing, correspondence, cooking, playing word games, shopping, and work are all blocked off in order to create and maintain a workable and healthy routine. I do make room for interruptions that naturally occur during a day's time. Sometimes the whole plan has to be thrown out the window! This plan isn't designed to be a straight jacket; it is only to provide a framework for a consistent, healthy routine. This may sound a little obsessive to some, but it works for me and keeps that evil creature at bay that hangs around trying to keep me from being a whole, healthy human being! Whoops, time's up, time to clean the kitchen!

Mental health note: If you find yourself in a situation similar to this and you are showing signs of depression and or anxiety lasting longer than a few days or over a week, please seek medical attention! These feelings can wreck your life if not treated properly. Tell your doctor!


Peace, till we visit again!
Remember, life is always an adventure with surprises, good and bad, around each corner. Be prepared and you will not only survive but you will thrive!

Tell me about events in your life that may have ended in a place of anxiety, depression or fear when you were past it! I would love to hear from you anytime! 

The Waiting Room

21 days in hospital waiting rooms can bring out the best and worse in anyone. I'd like to share with you some of my "adventures" in the St. Vincent CVICU waiting room.
We entered the hospital July 7th (I think) I slept on a fold out chair the first 2 nights. The surgery lasted about 7 1/2 hours. Most of  my first day in the waiting room consisted of hugging myself, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket my friend had lent to me and crying. Aortic Aneurysm and 3 blocked arteries kept my head bowed in prayer and emotional exhaustion. Every time the door to the waiting room opened or the phone there rang I jumped. I realize there are much more complicated and much longer surgeries than we went through but this was My Husband and time only inched by. Out of surgery and into CVICU we were allowed to go in for only a few minutes. Tubes everywhere, beeping sounds echoing off the walls, nurses scrambling to get stuff done. I stood dumbstruck even though we had been through this once before. You never get used to seeing your loved one with all the medical bells and whistles! The second day they tried to remove the vent, and after 3 hours all his numbers crashed and they had to reintubate. That led to 10 or so days on the vent. That's where my waiting room adventures began.
My son brought me an air mattress and pumped it up for me. I circled my "temporary home space" with chairs and a coffee table. Do you remember playing house under a tree using the roots sticking out as walls for your rooms? That's what I did! I created my space! Bags of clothes and toiletries, snack bags friends had brought, an outlet for my laptop and phone charger, books, pens and paper. Last but not least my photo of my daughter and her family. My son didn't have a photo handy or he would have been there as well.
Something happens in an ICU waiting room. Spirituality that you may have thought was a thing of the past oozes to the surface. You are alone most of the time so you start looking around at others in the same sort of situations, some much worse than others, but none of them good or they wouldn't be in ICU.
I began to make my moves into these peoples lives, and situations. It isn't hard. Just say "hello, who are you here with?" and it all comes spilling out.
One couple I was drawn to in the waiting room had had a huge bunch of family earlier. I didn't want to intrude on that. So I waited until they had filtered out. I went over and said my line"hello, who are you here with" "my son, answered a man about my age, "he hung himself" the words almost vomited out of him. "Oh Jesus what do I say now?" All I could think of to do was stick my arms out in his face to show my scars and said"I understand." We talked about 2 hours. I told them I was bipolar and had had some pretty bad episodes. Come to find out the father had just been diagnosed as bipolar and had a ton of questions about the things I had experienced. His son had had long, long battles with drug addiction and mental illness, but refused to take his MEDs because they made him feel funny. We wept, prayed, and embraced before they went back for visiting hours. Later their son was moved to the psych unit and I didn't see them again. I think of them this night while I am safe at home with a recovering husband.
The African Americans tended to stay at one end of the waiting room and the Caucasians at the other. This just wouldn't do for me. One day around lunch time a black family was eating at the break room table when I mentioned how good that the food looked. (Biggest downfall at St. Vincent's was the food quality and the exorbitant prices) They gathered me up to the table and fixed me a plate and the conversation flowed like warm honey. I learned all about the Auntie and her condition while they asked about my husband and his condition. Miss Diane wrapped her arms around me every chance she got after that lunchtime encounter! I loved it.
One morning, cleaning myself up in the bathroom, I met my new friend Antoinette. She smiled at me and I fell in love with this young black woman. She told me she had ridden a bus from Virginia to be with her"Momma" grandmother. Antoinette turned 24 in the ICU waiting room while she sat and waited her turn to go feed"Momma"and sit with her for a while. We gave her a makeshift Birthday party with cupcakes and candles! The whole waiting room gang sang Happy Birthday to her! We spent a good bit of time together, talking about what her life was about and what her future held. She always greeted me with a big hug and a kiss when I had been away for a couple of hours. When her mom left to go back to work she put me in charge of watching over her girls. I got a call yesterday from Antoinette and she said her "Momma" had passed. I so wanted to hold her and let her know everything would be alright. Antoinette wants to be a chef and I am pulling for her. I know we will stay in touch just from that time in the waiting room.
Then I met Doris. I had seen her go in and out of ICU a number of times. But she stayed in the room with her husband most of the time. Tom, her husband, was conscious and able to talk, unlike mine. One night as I was coming in from dinner and she was leaving to catch a bite, we stopped and acknowledged having seen one another. She quickly told me her story. I couldn't help myself when she said that they had been in the ICU for over 5 weeks, I embraced her as if I had known her for years. I wasn't too sure how that was going to sit with her. She seemed very prim and proper and I thought I had really stepped over my bounds. Tom had had multiple surgeries and he was very critical. But Doris was a praying woman and trusted God to bring him through. That night I couldn't sleep, 10 passed 11 passed 12 and then Doris rushed through the door and plopped into my little space and sobbed. I scrambled up from my mattress (not easy for a woman of my age and size) and made for her side. I wrapped my arms around her and began to pray. Soon she was able to get out a complete sentence and said that"Tom had taken a critical turn and they had no idea what was happening" We stayed up till about 2am talking, getting to know each other, praying some more, all the while I stroked her arm and patted her back. I was afraid I was violating her personal space (this was a stranger after all) when she turned to me and said" you are just like my best friend Bettie" "she is always touching and patting just like you are doing." I met Bettie the next day and I watched her love on her best friend, patting and stroking her arm, praying. Doris needed someone to be there and I guess God just kept me awake. Unfortunately, Tom passed 3 days later. I will never forget Doris and how I fell in love with another stranger in ICU. We exchanged information the day Tom passed and then she was gone from the waiting room, but not from my heart and soul. I was so sad. I missed her every day that I remained there.
My momma taught me well not to judge a book by its cover. There was a young woman that I had noticed and we had said hello and exchanged a little information about our loved ones in the ICU. From the outside one might think she was a little rough. Dark glasses, baseball hat turned backwards, T-shirts with language that could put some people off. But still I wanted in. I wanted to know her. However, I didn't get the chance to do that. One day she had gone down to have a smoke and her husband and father of a precious 5 year old, died. One moment he was from all appearances fine and the next moment gone. Life is so friggin fragile.
When you spend a long time in ICU waiting rooms the losses are so painfully  bound to happen.
My husband finally got off the vent and I moved my little nest into his room so we could be together again. I didn't know what a toll the waiting room had taken on me until I sat quietly apart from it. I began to tremble and weep letting out all the pain I had been carrying for some many people. You know a gift (like compassion and empathy) can become a curse if you are not careful. I slept while Hartley slept and we would visit a little ( it was hard for him to talk after being on the vent for so many days) and we would hold hands. I was so glad when he was off the feeding tube and we could have coffee together once again.
CVICU opened my heart and soul in a way that I had not experienced for some time. It is a curse and a blessing to be in that situation. If you find yourself there, just say "Hello, who are you here with?" and if you are open, you are in for an adventure!
Peace, till we visit again, when I introduce you to Sister Mary Francis!and another special moment that happened in the CVICU.

P.S. If you have had experiences in an ICU waiting room feel free to share them with me in the comment section. Peace.
     

Momma T.

Genteel, in the very best sense of the word, is how I describe this grace filled beautiful woman.
Surrounded by acres and acres of grassland and herds of cattle. Her white hair, blown by the hot Texas wind, whips around her face like cirrus clouds. A sparkle in her clear blue eyes invites you into her home and into her life.
Special? Doesn't touch the essence of this woman I call, "Momma T".
Our first meeting a connection was made that turned me into family. Then one by one she added the rest of us into her clan. Having afternoon rendezvous with my man.
Years have passed and time is growing short for my precious "Momma T".
Our last visit was our last visit.
Skin so thin every vain glowed through, like multiple rivers of life.
Hair sand white and fine as a spider's thread.
Asking about everything her breath would allow,
we filled in answers while she caught her breath that soon would be her last.
I couldn't keep my hands off her cool skin.
Just one more touch.
One more moment.
Only one more question.
She's tired,
it was time for us to go.
Just one more kiss.
One more hug.
One more good bye.
We wished her a safe passing
and said our last goodbye.

Our dear friend made her journey home today July14,2013.
She is rejoicing with her God and reunited with the love of her life.
A life lived like hers needs many tributes. This is mine.
Peace, till we visit again. Remember, this journey we call death is an adventure unto it's own.

 

Ludys Adventures

I've been playing around with a little book for my grand daughter. If you don't mind take a look at a very early draft and let me know what you think! This is just another adventure that has been waiting for me. Peace!

 

 

Ludy's Adventure( working on title)

 

 

Sounds of vroom, vroom,vroom, swish slosh, swish slosh, ka choon, ka choon, vroom swish slosh ka choon all accompanied by background music, gushed into Ludy’s room!

*“Seriously, I can’t hear myself think! Where is all this racket coming from? It sounds like a freight train running through my house!” Ludy thought as she tried to play a game on her new Nintendo.

*Ludy finally got fed up and bounded down the stairs to see what all the commotion was.

*The wild noises Ludy heard were coming from the vacuum cleaner, washing machine and dishwasher all running at the same time and Momma listening to some crazy music on Pandora.

*Momma was doing some major spring cleaning! But why now it was midsummer not spring? Then it popped into Ludy’s mind what all the fuss was about; company was coming for dinner from papa’s work. Important company! Ludy now understood why her Momma was a little on the frazzled side.

* Ludy thought, "I desperately need to go out to ‘Violet House’ because this house is driving me crazy, like a fly zooming all around in my head!!! I can't hear myself think much less play my game!”

*Ludy had no idea what was in store for her later that day when she slipped out the sliding back door and headed to the thick woods in their backyard.

*Shrub trees made a thick wall that helped to shut out the rest of the world. “Peace at last” Ludy thought as she entered her special hideaway. She named it “Violet House” because there were millions of wood violets growing around there.

*Inside the shrub tree wall stood a magnificent ancient oak tree. It had giant gnarly roots pushing up through the ground around it's base.They looked like huge octopus tentacles rising up from the deep ocean waters.

*Ludy always felt like there was something extra special about this place, it had a magical kind of feeling that was really hard to explain.

*She had built her playhouse in between the big roots that seemed to separate and form rooms. Looking around Ludy surmised  “this is a place even Oak Fairies would be proud to live.”

*Ludy could play there for hours totally unaware of the goings on in the outside world.

*Today she was making a rug out of leaves, but they wouldn’t stay put because the wind was making it’s way in through the shrub wall. Not giving up, Ludy continued putting the leaves back in place, even though it was beginning to get a little frustrating chasing the leaves all around!

*Violet House, was an extraordinarily special place. It was a place Ludy could go when she needed to think or to just be alone. Sometimes her friends' came there to play and her Momma would make special lunches with apples, peanut butter and extra special good cheese, from the cheese store down the street. The people that owned it always gave Ludy scrumptious samples! Ludy liked the white cheese with the blue green mold in it best of all. Ludy’s Momma would make “healthy water” that had all kinds of fruit and stuff soaking in it, and then put it in a thermos for them to drink. She explained that it would keep them hydrated. Whatever that meant.(note: put recipe for water in back of book.)

*Earlier that day her momma had given her a faded out, old, blue camping blanket they didn't use anymore. Ludy

already had a collection of old ceramic cups, tin camping plates,and some odds and ends forks, spoons and very, very dull knives. Ludy's favorite thing her Momma had given her was an old green vase shaped like a bunch of bluebonnets. Ludy’s Oma had given it to her Momma when she lived in Texas.That made it even more special to Ludy, because she loved her Oma very much.  The vase had a chip on one of the blooms but that didn’t matter, it was still very beautiful.

*Ludy loved all kinds of flowers and her vase was always full of something from the woods or their yard, her Momma would even buy flowers for her sometime, if they were on sale. Today it had dandelion blooms in it but she didn’t know who put them there.

*Because of the wind getting stronger, Ludy’s new blanket wouldn't stay on the branch she had put it on to make a wall. Her stick furniture kept moving to different parts of the room! Wind was fun sometimes and it made great music when it passed through the leaves in the big tree above her. This wind however was interrupting her play time.

*Ludy was getting tired but she wanted to stay in Violet House a while longer. So, she took the blanket from the limb and folded it over to make a sleeping bag. Ludy curled up inside and soon was fast asleep.

Rosemary Theobalt Wootton 7/3/13

*“Leafy”, an oak fairy, fluttered to the top of a deep hole in the back of the giant oak tree. “Oh my! Leafy said quietly.”the human child is asleep and there is a storm coming fast!” Leafy called for the other fairies with her whistle, that only the fairies could hear, kind of like a dog whistle. Viola, Barky, and Dandy Lion, came immediately to see what was going on. The fairies didn’t come to the surface very often during daylight hours. It wasn’t safe for them especially when the birds and cats were around, they didn’t want to end up being someone’s lunch! Barky said, “let’s get out of here it’s not our problem!” Viola responded back “ Barky, that is a horrible thing to say! We are good fairies, and it’s our job to help when we are needed!” Leafy chimed in “We must do something to help!” So the fairies tried sitting on Ludy’s sleeping bag to hold it down in the gusting wind but they were being blown all around. Suddenly, sand started blowing in with the wind and the fairies had an enormous decision to make! “We could use the fairy dust that makes things smaller" said Viola hesitantly, " but we only have a tiny bit and I don’t know if we can get anymore?” Finally,they all decided it was for the best to take Ludy into their underground world,where no human child had gone before! * Sprinkling her with the nearly extinct fairy dust, Ludy was made to fit into their world.Together they all went spiraling, down,down, down, carrying a sleeping Ludy, into the hole that led to Oakland, home of the great Oak Fairy. *The storm up above grew stronger and stronger until you couldn’t see Ludy’s house from the grove of trees. Gratefully, Ludy was safe and sound below ground level with a troop of fairies. Ludy slowly woke up from the effects of the fairy dust to find herself surrounded by bright colorful flickering lights and the slight whispering sounds of flapping fairy wings. “Wh,wh,wh, where am I?” Ludy asked, a little afraid to hear the answer. “You are safe my little friend “ answered Leafy. “We brought you here to keep you safe from the storm roaring above us.”Who, who, who are you?” Ludy stammered. “ We are the ancient guardians to the opening of Oakland, found at the base of the Grand Oak.” replied Dandy Lion. Let us introduce ourselves as Leafy pointed to Viola, “Hello, I’m Viola and I am very shy. I have a special gift of becoming invisible when it is necessary, and I love purple” Leafy directed her gaze toward Dandy Lion “ Hi! I’m Dandy Lion, I am not shy I’m funny, my gift is making others sneeze when I want them to. You can just call me Dandy!” They all turned to look at Leafy, “Hello, child. My name is Leafy and I am the granddaughter of the Great Oak ________ I am the leader of all the fairy clans, my gifts are varied, I can hear what others are thinking when it involves someone’s safety, I can see into the future but only when it is for protection of my clans, I also can call down mountains of leaves at a moments notice! I love green and have been accused of excessive mothering. Now tell us about you!
Rosemary Theobalt Wootton 7/6/13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to be a burden to my children...

I know it sounds a little crazy to want to be a burden to our children (grandchildren, friends, etc.)! This is a topic Hartley and I have talked about for years! We started this conversation when Hartley was in school at Duke, studying under Stanley Hauerwas. Dr. Hauerwas taught about death and dying in one of Hartley's classes and it went something like this;

• We need to be taught how to die
• Dying in your sleep without pain or the realization that you are dying is not a blessing
• Depending on a faith community of friends and family to walk with you through the process is a blessing (even if it means "being a burden")
• "It is a gift to live into your dying"
• Presence and prayer bring comfort and help alleviate fear.
• To learn how to die we must see someone die well.
• In The Book of Common Prayer in the Great Litany, there’s the prayer, “save me from all oppression, conspiracy, and rebellion; from violence, battle, and murder; and from dying suddenly and unprepared.” In the Middle Ages, what people feared was not death, they feared God. They prayed to be saved from a sudden death because they wanted to have time to repent and have their lives appropriately positioned to face God. Now we just fear death.
• "Friendship with God is the good that should form both how we live and how we die. When we learn how to be friends with God we learn something about what it means to die well."

Now that you have that taste of "learning to die well" I'd like to share with you a story about my mom and her death.

Momma told me, and everyone around her. that she would never ever be a burden to anyone and also said," I'll go out behind the barn and shoot myself before I will be a burden."!
Thankfully, we didn't have a barn when Mother began to have declining health!
My Momma was a very strong and independent woman never wanting to owe anyone anything. (She didn't mind other people owing her though)
She was a self made woman, owning numerous businesses.  Her last business was a diner/tea room with her sister, when she was 80!
Momma had a series of illnesses and complications plus the fact that she was legally blind. But she still wanted to drive, so I would take her to Wal-Mart so she could drive the motorized shopping carts!
Momma began having hallucinations (visions as she called them) and major paranoid phobias.
After numerous hospitalizations a decision had to be made, nursing home or our house. Momma accepted our house. Remember, this is the woman that didn't want to be a burden to anyone and now she is finding herself in a place of dependence on me, Hartley and our children. This was a big dose of pride she had to swallow!
We added a toilet and sink in our little spare bedroom,brought in a twin bed in place of the double bed and wallah Momma's space was ready before she got out of the hospital.
Hartley and I took turns with a paid caregiver during the day and it worked out well.
Momma took a sharp turn for the worse, about a month after she moved in with us, so back to the hospital (don't get me started on that). After 10 days of staying with her day and night so she got the proper care I asked a doctor directly "Is my Mother dying?" He hesitantly replied, "yes."  He said it was a "failure to thrive". My reaction was,"why the hell are we still here, call hospice! I am taking her home!"
Hospice beat us to the house! The hospital bed was in place and a nurse was ready to teach Hartley and I how to take care of Momma's physical and medical needs.
Before Anna, our hospice nurse, left I began to cry. "I can't do this! I can't do this!" It was like going home from the hospital with your first baby, there wasn't a manual for this. Anna hugged me and said she was just a phone call away and yes, you can do this.
I think this is when the above "bullet points" kicked in.
I stayed by Momma's side most of the day and all of the night. I sang to her, read to her and constantly held her hand. One time she squeezed my hand and said "enough singing"! Another time my brother, Coy, and Hartley were turning her for a suppository when she perked up and said, "I'm gonna poot on you". They both died laughing!  I must say, Hartley was Momma's Prince! He did all the lifting, shots. suppositories, and clean up. (especially when my gag reflexes were working overtime)  He was my hero through it all as well!
We continued having our regular weekly "life group" meetings and everyone would go in and pray for her or just touch her hand. When it was time for "communion" to be taken, someone from the group would go in and serve Momma. The last morsel of food she took in was "the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ".
Most of Momma's friends and all of her family had made it in to see her.  Leaving her with a blessing and taking a blessing back with them.
Time was coming to an end, as we know it, for Momma. We called in our children and community of faith to pray the prayer service for the dying from The Book of Common Prayer. There were about 20 of us there including momma's sister and 2 nieces. It was truly a glorious moment, the Spirit of God was so beautifully evident in that sacred space. After the prayer service everyone filed out after leaving momma with a kiss or a touch, to a meal we had prepared for them.  We spent the evening telling stories while we ate, laughed and cried.
The house, now empty and quiet, as I sat with momma a few more days until she took her final breath and made the journey to her heavenly home.
I feel like momma died perfectly. And it made such an impact on so many people, young and old, that participated in her death journey.
It was 7 years, June 18th, that momma died but I remember it like yesterday. Often when I receive communion I remember for her it was the last taste she experienced before meeting "The One" face to face that had provided that sacrament for her.
Momma's death journey obviously is not the only way to die, but when it is possible, try to allow your loved ones to be a burden on you. It is truly a life changing event, that will live with you until it's your time to be a "blessed burden".
We do not know how or when a friend or a loved one will make the journey of death, so let's try to love them really well so we don't have any regrets when that time arrives.
Peace, till we visit again! Remember life's full of wonderful adventures awaiting and death happens to be one of them.
I want to take this space to say thank you to Dr. Stanley Hauerwas for all he taught Hartley and vicariously taught me. Thank you Dr. Hauerwas!

Loss

I am thinking a lot about loss today.  Not a real happy train of thought but sometimes a necessary one because none of us escapes losses.  My precious husband has a dear friend and past employer that has just experienced the death of his  his only son, Walt, at the age of 33; the autopsy said Walt had died of a massive heart attack.  I want to share a portion of a letter Hartley sent to his friend.

"Grief comes in numerous packages and it is often
masked by anger toward the only one who could have done something to
prevent your tragedy, God. It's okay to tell him just how mad you are;
He's big enough to take a frontal assault and gracious enough to
recognize it is the product of a pain for which there are no adequate
answers to the question, "Why?"

As Christians I suppose the only redemptive thing to look for in such
an event is the recollection that ultimately our hope is not here; it's
not in material well being and the illusion of security it gives, not
in our plans for the future, and not even in our children, despite the
emotional and material investment they represent; rather, our hope is
in a future which we are powerless to produce, a future in which all
that is wrong now finally will be made right; it is a future which God
alone is able to make happen.

Please feel free to call any time you wish. You can cuss God
all you want with me; you should feel free to express whatever you are
feeling, whether it is in the form of sadness and tears, bewilderment,
anger, abandonment, or whatever it happens to be. I'm available at any
time, really.

Your friend,
Hartley"

Loss whether it is the loss of a child, a marriage, a friendship even a business sends us into places of grief and anger we could never imagine ourselves going.  It's okay, go ahead and go there just don't go alone. This calls for your community of faith,wonderful counselors and true friends whether near you or far away to walk this path with you.   I recall a scripture, "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love."
In time, the intenseness of the grief will gradually fade and we will be able to feel semi normal again.
You who are suffering are not alone. I may not know you personally but I will be more than happy to walk along side you and uphold you in my prayers.
There are so many types of losses, and all are very painful, and all need time to heal.
 I wish you PEACE until we visit again, and feel free to leave me a comment or prayer request. I take these very seriously and I am here and will walk with you to the best of my ability.
I dedicate this post to Connally and Bolivia Powell . May Walt rest in peace.
Thank you Hartley for allowing me to show your heart and your love for your friend.

 

   

Friends

I had breakfast with a precious friend a couple of days ago. We had a great time and caught up on all the happenings with our husbands and kids and grand kids. Then the conversation took a turn, a wonderful turn. We began to talk about memories, what we meant to each other, the changes and love we had brought to one another over the years.
I started thinking about friendships and how they evolve and grow taking different shapes as our lives change and grow.
Here's a great definition of "friend" from the Urban Dictionary it's not too spiritual, but it does have something to say!

"A real friend is someone who: a) it's okay to fart in front of. b) you don't mind talking to on the bus for at least 20 minutes. c) can borrow $5 and never has to pay it back d) you'll actually call up do stuff.   Bob: "Hey Jim, you wanna go see a show downtown" Jim: "Sorry man, I'm broke, and how are we gonna get there." Bob: "No problem, I'll lend you the 5 bucks and we'll take the bus." Jim: "Yeah, okay" (loud farting sound) Bob: "Whoah! That was a good one!" I have a couple of examples of friendships I watch intently and hopefully, have learned from. Michael W. Smith sings "a friend's a friend forever... And a lifetime's not too long to live as friends." My daughter, Emily, has one of those friends. She is 33 now and Mary Elizabeth has been her friend since fourth grade. How long is that? They text almost daily, talk when Mary's phone works, visit yearly, and think of each other momently. They have traveled the world and back together, watched each other fall in and out of love until finally both (at about the same time) found wonderful husbands. I have been so blessed to see this relationship grow through the years. Honestly I am pretty envious of them! But they have worked at their friendship, making space in their lives for each other. It is truly grand to watch! (These two only lived in the same town for about three years before we moved half way across the country) Let me tell you a little about another set of friends. My husband and John have been friends since second grade ( they are both 57 now). They played, camped, smoked, drank, fought, and collected a mass of pocket knives together. Sometimes when I hear them haggling over a knife, one or the other will say something like "no, you just hold onto it; no need to buy it, just hang on to it for me for a while." This goes on year after year! John is the kind of friend that will drop and run if you are in need. He has been there for Hartley at times no one else would give him the time of day! They talk every day, play guitars about twice a week, and we have dinner together about once a month, or more. It's a lifetime friendship, and as noted in the lyrics above, "a lifetime's not too long to live as friends." Friendships like these are few and far between, and you're lucky if you have one. I have to remind myself I have really good friendships even if they don't look like the two described above. I don't have a friendship like Emily and Mary, or Hartley and John. I wish I did but I don't. But I have wonderful friends! We move in and out of each others lives, gracefully flowing back and forth; it's always easy to pick up where we last left off. I am blessed with my lifetime friendships but still long for one of those that uses the back door unannounced with a piece of pie asking if the coffee is on! (I think there may be one on  my horizon because as I get older I won't have the time constraints that bog me down now!) My friend Jo and I used to have that kind of "backdoor"relationship. We would pick up each others kids from school and call to say we had their kids and dinner would be ready at 6! While the kids played, we would talk about our dreams and our plans for the future. We laughed a lot. We cried a lot. We shared our hearts always! Time and circumstances changed and so did we. Hartley and I moved to Kansas City, MO, Durham, NC, and Waco, Texas before we ended up back in the same town again with Jo and Dru nearly 27 years later. We always stayed in touch and would visit once or twice a year, always gracefully flowing back into each others lives. For example, Jo would come to Texas and help me with huge weddings. I'll never forget one time, I asked her if she wanted to finish a big arrangement (retailing at $400); she said sure, and started cramming hydrangeas in it like she had been doing it for a lifetime! (Hartley and Dru would be somewhere smoking pipes and talking theology. They have been friends since they were about 5 years old.) One time Jo came to Dallas, as a support group of one, when Emily and I were doing a floral demonstration and speaking to a really exclusive Dallas Garden Club (Laura Bush was a member in absentia, while they were in the White House). I couldn't have made it through without her saying you guys are going to be great! We are in the same town again but as time has passed and life has continued, our friendship is different than when we lived here way back when. It is still a deep seated, honest to goodness friendship that has just taken another shape. I got a call from Jo the other day while she was driving to Little Rock to pick up Dru after a mission trip to Haiti. We talked almost the whole trip! It was wonderful! Jo isn't much for long phone conversations so I felt very special indeed! Time and space change things in even the closest of friendships but it doesn't mean that they change for the worse. They just change. I love Jo and she loves me and if called upon, would lay down her life for me. I am so truly grateful for her friendship--whatever shape it happens to take. Jo is a lifetime kind of friend. My mind is flooded with names of wonderful people that have walked through my life and I through theirs; friendships which look different from each other but are each as rich and full of love as one could hope for! I cherish my friendships and pray that I will be there for each of them as they have been there for me. Remember "a lifetime's not too long to live as friends"! Peace, till we visit again and nurture and enjoy the adventure of friendship!

 

Be Aware! Mental Health Awareness Month

It was Memorial Day weekend and if I was going to post about Mental Health Awareness Month I needed to get my butt in gear!  Thinking I would write about awareness of mental issues in the church, I had a surprising turn around in my direction.
I met Ms. Bettie.  She is about 80 years old and she is bi-polar and not on her MEDs.  Sweet sweet little lady but definitely in the midst of a manic episode.
I was waiting on her at our annual sale when she turned to me and said " I'm bi-polar and I am not taking my lithium anymore because I don't like the way it makes me feel."  Now that's a conversation starter if I ever heard one!  I replied " isn't  that interesting  I am bi-polar as well!"  I told her that I had gone through many different medications before I found a regimen that I could live with.  All the while we were talking she was gathering.  It was more like hoarding than shopping!  Five or more of one item and up to ten of another item all the while talking about needing gifts for this one or that one and some she wanted just in case she might have someone to give it to.  I knew the symptoms all to well.  I had worked at a store that had really cute dollar items that I gathered daily and stashed them away under my counter like a squirrel preparing for winter.   Actually I had enough squirreled away for several winters! (Still have some in a drawer and I haven't worked there in 4 years!)
I wasn't exactly sure what I should do for Ms. Bettie.  I knew I didn't like to be "handled" when I was experiencing symptoms like her's.  What do you do when you know someone is in need and has even told you so!  Well, one thing I did was terribly wrong.
May I use you as my priest for a moment.  You need to understand that I am a cracker jack salesperson and this looked like the perfect storm!  I suggested an item I knew she would buy just because I showed it to her.  She took all of them and I felt like throwing up for taking advantage of another human being suffering from a mental illness that had complete control of her.  I was so ashamed of myself.  I had even been fighting off making purchases in bulk myself and here I was feeding  her illness. I need forgiveness, please!
After stocking up for a while she took a break to check on her
husband waiting (not so patiently) in the car.  I heard him shouting at her about where in the world are we going to put all these things because there is no more room in our house!
When she returned they had decided to leave and go to lunch because her husband's blood sugar was dropping and he was getting a little agitated with her.  I took a deep sigh of relief thinking that she might forget all the things we had put aside ( around $400 worth of stuff!)
My boss thought it would be best if we just put all the items back into stock (stroke of genius on her part) and if they came back we would just deal with it then.  I didn't have a clue how I would approach her with the news I had put her stuff back out for sale after spending about an hour picking it all out!  Maybe just maybe she wouldn't return and I wouldn't have to deal with it.
Moments later they drove back up after a quick sandwich at DQ.  (What do I do now?)  I gathered myself up and walked out to the drivers side of the car and motioned for her husband to put down the window.  I laid my hand on his arm and told him that I too was bi-polar and understood what his wife was going through and that I would like to help her shop if it would be okay with him. He was obviously moved by my willingness to work with his wife and he said that would be wonderful and please help her find things for herself. Then I broached the subject of putting her things back in stock! Ms. Bettie was not happy with me! But I promised to help her find the things she really wanted and needed. Ms. Bettie got out of the car and we walked together to the sale area and proceeded to shop together! After making some really good decisions I noticed that she had "snuck" a few extra items into her pile. I screwed my confidence up and said "Ms. Bettie this is the last item you are going to buy today." She smiled at me and promised that was the last item and we shook hands on it!
We ended up our time together exchanging phone numbers and addresses, big hugs and lots of kisses! Before leaving the parking lot they backed up and called for me to come to the car and she gave me a copy of the "Upper Room", a Methodist devotional. She wanted us to do daily devotions in sync.  I was blessed.
I have heard from Ms. Bettie and directed her to my psychiatrist.  I hope he will be as good for her as he has been for me.
Mental Health Awareness Month is coming to an end but our awareness never should.
Peace, till we visit again! Stay present, feel your butt in your chair, wiggle your toes and remember to breath!
Names have been changed to protect the innocent.(I used my crazy girlfriends name! Thanks Bettie!

Update on Ms. Bettie, She is safely in hospital under the care of an excellent psychiatrist! Her husband called me this morning just to say thanks and where she was! Pray for her husband as well it is very difficult to be a caregiver in these situations. Thanks and Peace till we visit again!

Walking is not just walking!

I have started to walk again! I have listened to people tell me over and over and over "you just need  to walk, you will feel so much better"! Well it takes a lot of effort and energy sometime to just get out of the chair! Depression and anxiety can put a tub full of glue in your seat! Some people just don't get that! It's not that I haven't wanted to walk or that I was being stubborn I just couldn't get up and out of the chair!
What has made me start to move now? Don't have a clue! It just started sounding like a good thing to do! I also started thinking that it might feel good to be in the fresh air. ( Pause) Fresh air that's a new concept, being inside all the time can be stifling mentally and physically. So now I walk.
Walking can't be just walking for me. I have decided that walking can be pretty boring! (Side step) My counselor is continually reminding me to stay present! "Feel your butt in the chair, wiggle your feet, breath in breath out" it is wonderful advise where ever you happen to be ( even if you are not in a chair you can feel your butt). I am taking this advise on my walks. I stop, breath ( not  just to stop the panting), feel my butt, look around, smell, (not connected to breathing), and listen. It is truly amazing how present you can become and the gifts you are opening up to receive! (Off track) do you still have to say I before e except after c ? I just had to!
My last walk I took my dog and my camera ( crazy combination try taking a picture holding back a 67lb Airedale terrier!). We live in a National Park and only a block from our house is the entrance to West Mountain (photos following). Not having walked much lately it was quite a pull up to my turn around spot!

Starting point!

 Dog "Joe"

 

 Warning Climb Ahead!









Stop, feel butt, listen, wiggle toes, breath, take picture of something!

Summit? No Way, this is my turn
around spot!

 Tired dog! I found that making weird pitched whistling noises he would stop and look up at me! Click!

 

 Home again Home again! Don't be fooled into thinking I climbed a huge mountain because our whole journey was only about a mile!






Surprise!!! I heard a tiny muted thump when something dropped into my path ahead of me! Can you see what it was? Comment if you see it! Sorry it's not the best of photos but maybe you can spot it!

This takes walking beyond walking; it's an adventure! Peace, till we visit again and try to remember to feel your butt in the chair!

Not blogging about Mothers Day!

I should be writing about Mothers Day today but I'm not! Lots of people will be doing that. I do want to take a few lines to say how much I love my children and how truly wonderful they are. So I love you Emily and Richard and just in case you don't read my blog I'll give you a call!
 My mom died June 18, 2006 and seldom does a day pass that I don't think "I need to call mom and tell her..." I guess that will never stop. Mom told me that after  "blank" number of years when Sunday came she would still reach for the phone to give her mother a call. Well I have started to write about Mothers Day after all! It is a very emotional day for me as I am  sure it is for so many of you for so many different reasons. Bless you all and capture what fond memories you can this Mothers Day!
Now that I am not blogging about Mothers Day I guess I will share a story/poem I wrote for my mom.

I knew Mothers Day was close

I saw the plants with little pink and white balls as we rode past on the way to school.

Watching these balls change to flowers I knew it was time.

Riding my bike down the hill by our house with a pocket full of change I made for the Peony Patch!

The gardeners garage was open and full of buckets filled with

Pink , white, deep red peonies.

The smell was overwhelming, I couldn’t turn my nose off as I put my face down to the bucket. I was in peony heaven!

The gardener separated the blooms into groups . Some were for the flower shops others for people just stopping in and then the buckets that were just not quite right for the stores those were the buckets for me. I stayed and stayed searching through each bucket until I had a bunch that I was proud of. The gardener wrapped them in paper and tied them with a coarse string as I pulled out my handfuls of change. Secretly hoping I had enough to buy the ones I had chosen. The gardener said that I had just the right amount!

With peonies under arm I began the trek home up the hill. Huffing and puffing while pushing my bike most of the way I arrived with a crinkled package and a red face.

Momma would always look surprised even if she did know where I had gone! “Beautiful “she said as she gave me a huge hug and a kiss and a drink to cool off.

For my Momma February 24,1918 - June 18 ,2006

    
      

Dream Safe!

I haven't posted in a while because I needed  time to deal with some disappointments. You know from earlier posts the plans we had made about teaching English as a foreign language. You also know from previous posts  that didn't pan out. The last couple of weeks I have been trying to work through my disappointment.
I didn't really have a plan for dealing with disappointment because my expectations were so high for these plans working in our favor. I don't think that having high expectations is a bad thing. Expectations add excitement to life! Expectations add joy to life! We need expectations to live!  However, we also need to learn to deal with unfulfilled expectations as they are simply a part of life.
Some of the feelings that I experience with unfulfilled expectations ( disappointments) are anger, extreme anxiety sadness, depression, as well as failure.
What do I do with those emotions? I may cry, pout, shout, shut down, give up or turn around and put all my stock in another plan!
I feel like these emotions and reactions to disappointments are okay and even normal  for a season, as long as that season doesn't turn into a very long and cold winter. 
Hartley gives me great perspective on negative emotions he tells me " this too will pass". He is oh so right!  Only in the midst of them that  for me that is very hard to hear but it is definitely true.
I am learning ( at 56 years old) to look at my disappointments and try to understand  them. Why did this particular disappointment hurt so much?
I had to look at how much weight I was placing on the expectations of a positive outcome. I felt like our entire future was based on a positive outcome of this expectation. That is way out of whack!
I have to learn to put the right amount of emotional weight on each expectation. That is not easy to do when you're the kind of person that dreams really big dreams and can make up a future that has all the sights and sounds of reality in a moment's time! ( I take MEDs for this) All kidding aside putting too much weight on a situation can cause devastating  consequences. It's time to lighten up a little on the emotional weight we put on expectations, for our emotional as well as physical health. Big hard lesson for me to learn!
I need to allow myself  to dream but not let my dreams drag me into a false reality that can easily turn into a nightmare.
The "disappointment effect" can be overcome and lessened with each disappointment if we learn to live in the now and also become aware of how much weight we are putting on a positive outcome.
Heavy stuff for a little old ladies blog about stuff I should have learned half a lifetime ago. I promise to lighten up in the next post! Well, peace till we visit again! Keep dreaming but dream safe!

Dreams

Beautiful  isn’t it!  What I would give to get to live in a place like this. I have had dreams of a silent retreat, a place to recoup and refresh. A place like in Tolkien's words "a perfect house, whether you like food or sleep or storytelling or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mixture of them all." This has been my dream for many many years. But ( I hate buts) it is still just a dream. I wrote a poem about dreams the other day it is not a very happy poem and I am a little afraid to share it with you because it shows some of my worst sides, anger, disappointment, jealousy. I would assume you like my funnier side. Will you stay with me if you know my darker side? I think I will risk it.

Dreams , I think are haunting spirits.
Not the dreams of sleep.
The deep, longing , dreams of when you are fully awake.
Dreams you can see in that other eye and feel on your skin and make you scream inside for things far from reach.
Dreams , I think are haunting spirits that suck the air from your lungs,
That tease and taunt and call to mind all that isn't.
Dreams are soul stealers that keep you from living what is called now.
These are dreams , I think .

Not everyone gets to live their "dream" so maybe we can just live now. Peace . 12:44 AM 4/13/2013

Well are you still there? I don’t always think sweet birdsong thoughts but it doesn’t make those thoughts any less true than the ones I have here. I still dream of a place like Rivendell but maybe it isn’t on this side. If I find it here you are more than welcome anytime. Peace, till we visit again!

Adventure in the neighborhood!

I told you that I was going to try to make everything into an adventure so I decided that taking a walk could be an adventure! I worked all morning trying to learn to work my new camera then took off outside around the house!

These beauties were one of the first I saw!  Beautiful weeds in my front yard! I won’t mow till they are gone! (Our neighbors love us)

The pic above must look like a blob of greens!  But the stalks are growing and the ants are coming (they can’t bloom without the ants helping them) and they will soon be beautiful pink and white peonies! My absolute - almost - pretty sure my favorite flower!  When I was a kid there was what I called “the peony patch” Just down the hill from my house.  I loved going down there when they were in bloom. It was an adventure! It was always near Mothers Day so I would get on my bike and head down the hill to the patch and  pilfer through the buckets and buy the best of the “seconds” for my mom!  (The first grade quality went to florists around the area). It’s kind of sad that now you can get peonies almost year round.    Now they are grown in several different states and countries with different growing seasons like Washington State, Oregon, South America, New Zealand, Israel and Holland. I just look forward to them in my yard in May! ( I’ll take a picture when they bloom )

• Can you see what I caught in the lens? It's a May Fly I think on this Japanese Maple!  I’m still in my yard! I guess you don’t have to go too far to  find an adventure! This bush is heavenly when in full bloom!  Its name is “Bridal Wreath”. I just gush over it when using it in a wedding.  It leaves a little snow of blooms following the bride down the aisle!

I finally made it out of my yard and 3 houses up the street!  I’m curious if the folks inside were looking out their windows as I wandered into their front yards!  This is a Dogwood, and the state flower of Arkansas and  also a symbol of the Church.  I love the symbolism of the crucifixion of Christ, nature has done a beautiful depiction of a horrific experience.  Check out this description of the symbolism: http://www.visualforces.com/christian/photography/nature/the-dogwood/.

Last but not least the lowly Dandy Lion! Unless you were just overwhelmed with allergies as a child this little bloom was a wonder! Fully bloomed you would pluck it up and blow! Wonder of wonders as you watched the individual petals drifted up, up and away!

A walk in the neighborhood can be an adventure as well as a walk down memory lane so get out there maybe take your camera and share with me  what you find! Peace, till we visit again! Happy Trails To You!

What If's and Promises....

I woke up from a nap this afternoon singing "what ifs and promises" I scrambled to the computer thinking it was the "Love Story" theme. Not that! So I typed in random words I thought I knew and it was "We've only just begun" by the Carpenters."What if's'" must have been in my thoughts because I had planned to blog about them again today. What ifs and promises, a kiss for luck and we're on our way, we've only just begun. It's "white lace and promises" dim whit! ( Me not you my precious readers)! It sure did seem to fit what I was ready to blog about, shoot I thought I had the perfect segue into my blog!
I feel like I need to apologize to my readers. I almost feel like I lied to you, but I promise I will never ever do that!
If you remember in the first blog I laid out a plan that Hartley and I thought we would be following. It was kind of a list (without the bullet points because I hadn't learned about this at the time). Then we talked about the what ifs, remember? The list started off with "what if Hartley doesn't pass the course?". It didn't even occur to me to start that list with "what if Hartley doesn't get into the program?"  This is a very very smart man we are talking about! He has a B.A., M. Div. and a Th.M. That last degree was from Duke I am very proud to say! This is no dummy but he was not accepted into the Bridge CELTA program in Denver. Needless to say we have had a very upside down kind of a few days. I didn't want to blog because I was embarrassed and felt like I had misled you in some way. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I thought this could happen but I didn't give it much weight at all. If I had given it any weight you would have known about it. We were banking on this. Hopes were high, dreams awakening, adventure was just ahead!
Now what? Now that we have sort of caught our breath and almost stopped wanting to hurt someone Hartley is looking at other certifications. These may not carry the same weight as a CERTA but folks are teaching English all over the world with less.
My blog started out with us going on an adventure and Hartley reminded me that anything can be an adventure. My pledge to you is to look for an adventure in everything I do and hopefully inspire you to the same.

"Sharing horizons that are new to us. Watching the signs along the way. Talkin' it over, just the two of us. Workin' together day to day, together, together"

Read more: THE CARPENTERS - WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN LYRICS  A little corny but a little inspirational too!
Peace, till we visit again! Thanks for reading today!